Bleak autumn wind vanishs completely as the changes of season, biting like the sharp of a long time of go through the mill of north wind just like that wears a heart cruel and evil wanton absurd is the ground to be cut on my face delimit, in me roadside is drowsy, the instant is gotten by Jing happy to dance. One is in the past with dusty and old bottom of the heart, immediateness broke through the chains that layer cascade folds, appear out of thin airly in my brain.
萧瑟的秋风随着时节的变迁而烟消云散，刺骨穿心的北风宛如磨砺多时的利刃般心狠手辣地肆意妄为在我的脸庞上割划，在路边昏昏欲睡的我，瞬间被惊得手舞足蹈。一件在心底尘封多年的往事，即刻冲破了层层叠叠的枷锁，无中生有地出现在了我的脑海之中。
Endless resound is in the noise of ” of “ Da Da in that dark and narrow room, there is the computer of bedclothes of a dirt in the corner, peaceful and dim aperture is given out on screen, the teenager of silk of an eyeful blood is keeping momently knock is worn old extremely old clavier.
“嗒嗒”的响声连绵不绝地回荡在那个阴暗狭小的房间里，角落里坐落着一台灰尘铺盖的电脑，屏幕上发出幽静黯然的光圈，一个满眼血丝的少年正一刻不停地敲击着老旧不堪的键盘。
“ I how so rubbish (foolish) ah? ” I rise attack to go up in the bed, “ writes even an article do not come out. The time that I am visitting ” to elapse ceaselessly, I discover I had stayed in 16 hours in this room continuously, I do not control myself. I should go out!
“我怎么这么垃圾（傻）呀？”我起身扑在床上，“连一篇文章都写不出来。”我望着不断流逝的时间，我发现自己已经连续呆在这个房间里16个小时了，我控制不住自己。我要出去！
I exert oneself to do sth. twist door handle, a very short time remembers the for him Xiu Lian staying power before I begin that, already the key from the window inclined be thrown into the kitchen. My mood is attributed to calm gradually, looking at the window of guard against theft with that rust full of stains or spots mark with dim nonluminous eyes, plaint in spite of oneself in the heart: This is a jail simply, I am the jail that myself designs.
我用力扭动房门把手，霎那间想起我开始前为了修炼自己的耐力，已经将钥匙从窗户斜扔进厨房里了。我的心情逐渐归于平静，用暗淡无光的眼神望着那锈迹斑斑的防盗窗，心中不由自主地感叹道：这简直就是一个监牢，我为我自己设计的监牢。
A person will be dull arrive to rise him captivity, that explains he is already alone arrived to break away from a society, be far from reality, deviate road, the degree of detached common people. Does present mankind fall into enemy hands already basically such? Be aimed at oneself scheme only, just be flawless.
一个人会无聊到将自己囚禁起来，那说明他已经孤独到了脱离社会，远离现实，偏离正途，分离世人的地步了。现在的人类已经基本沦陷成这样了吗？只有针对自己的计谋，才是天衣无缝的。
I did not have the mood to undertake literature is created already, parents still has 14 hours to just arrive home, they may do not have the baby son that thinks of their to lock up their instead actually. I do not want to go really bowstring my cerebral cell, inputted the network address of game adroitly for this. Looking at the little game that makes me dazzling, heart of my hard to avoid gives birth to deep feeling: Each game backside the dangerous intention of manufacturer of under cover game, “ be besieged on all sides confuses soldier's morale, 10 ambuscade ” of tired military camp has a bit can make oneself all individual information is divulged carelessly, the interest dummy in becoming dark side to trade, fall into their place to set the trap below.
我已然没了心情进行文学创作，父母还有14个小时才到家，他们可能都没有想到自己的宝贝儿子竟然将自己反锁起来了。我实在不想去绞杀我的脑细胞，为此熟练地输入了游戏的网址。望着令我眼花缭乱的小游戏，我难免心生感慨：每一款游戏背后都隐藏着游戏厂商的险恶用心，“四面楚歌迷军心，十面埋伏困兵营”稍有不慎就会使自己的全部个人信息泄露，成为暗面交易中的利益傀儡，落入他们所设下的陷阱。
This also is a society also be popular feeling. I was sneering lightly to shut a website, opened documentation again. The draft paper impression with that ghastly be bitterly disappointed is in my brain of brandish do not go.
这亦是社会也是人心。我淡淡地冷笑着关闭了网站，再次打开了文档。那寒心惨白的文稿纸底色在我的脑海中挥之不去。
Lightsome and lithe and graceful resound is in the noise of ” of “ Da Da in that unrestrained room, there is the computer that a high speed runs in the corner, bright and marked aperture is given out on screen, a teenager that is full of infuriation is keeping momently knock is worn clever and ringing clavier, recounting the advantages and disadvantages of the network and safety.
“嗒嗒”的响声轻盈曼妙地回荡在那个无拘无束的房间里，角落里坐落着一台高速运转的电脑，屏幕上发出明亮醒目的光圈，一个满怀激昂的少年正一刻不停地敲击着灵动清脆的键盘，诉说着网络的利弊与安全。
Cannot use “ critically ” , critically it is bad, if the network is bad, why do you go up in the network critically? That momently, he strode civilized network to maintain the new chance to extricateoneself from an awkward position with construction.
不能用“批判”，批判是不好的，若网络不好，你为何在网络上批判？那一刻，他迈上了文明网络维护与建设的新台阶。
The network is a Shuang Renjian, you can safeguard your rights and interests with it, but take care please, in your carelessness when, it will change a dormancy the python in darkness, trying in vain to break through legal block the way, erode your safe profit.
网络是一把双刃剑，你可以用它来维护自己的权益，但请小心，在你大意之时，它将化作一只蛰伏在黑暗中的巨蟒，正妄图突破法律的阻拦，侵蚀你的安全利益。
Wish everybody can find to belong to his in unrestrained network space, the Sukhavati that nobody disturb. The mankind is a group namely also be individual, the moment that individual need belongs to him is halcyon.
愿所有人都可以在无拘无束的网络空间里找到一个属于自己，无人打扰的净土。人类即是群体也是个体，个体需要属于自己的片刻宁静。
Let us set foot on new chance to extricateoneself from an awkward position. A casting is new the network world with era safe culture.
让我们踏上新的台阶。一起铸就新时代文明安全的网络世界。
The adviser comments on:
导师点评：
From on the network writing begins to guide argument, the advantages and disadvantages of network science and technology and safety, cent argument appears in one by one the 6th paragraph, the network is OK filch individual privacy, cent argument is reciprocal 2 now the 3rd paragraph, the network can safeguard his rights and interests, but the clue depict of young writer is whole article is first-rate, if be a narrative, so this article is to be able to give tall cent, but your definition is it is argumentative writing, argumentative writing not only should argument has argument and material even, the material that the network thought of what type fors the time being, the more example of the Shuang Renjian effect of the network, we can be passed in front the narrative paragraph of length guides argument and cent argument, but should have argument, if be to write narrative, do not make such demand, but the style that young writer defines is argumentative writing, so now is to press argumentative writing to ask to be in comment on, the literal strength of young of course writer and serious degree dispute often can move reader, the writing intense emotion that still has young writer and life enthusiasm dispute often can carry those who show green vigor, a very full of sap article, but how to make an article to the queen's taste further upward again, can consider again, conception is very good. Continue to cheer.
从在网络上写作开始导入论点，网络科技的利弊和安全，分论点一一出现在第六段，网络可以窃取个人隐私，分论点二出现在倒数第三段，网络可以维护自己的权益，但是小作者整篇文章的情节描写非常好，如果是一篇记叙文，那么这篇文章是可以给高分的，但是你定义为它是议论文，议论文不光要有论点还要有论据和素材，什么类型的网络维权的素材，网络的双刃剑效应的更多例子，我们可以通过前面篇幅的叙事段落导入论点和分论点，但是要有论据，如果是写记叙文，就不做这样的要求，但是小作者定义的文体是议论文，所以现在是按议论文要求在点评，当然小作者的文字功底和认真程度是非常能够打动读者，还有小作者的写作激情和生活热情是非常能提现青春朝气的，很血气方刚的一篇文章，但是怎么样再尽善尽美地让文章更上一层楼，可以再考虑一下，构思很好。继续加油。